You fill up my senses….,

Whenever I listen to this song, it seems yesterday once more singing along with that special someone. Sometimes it is very difficult to let go of your past, especially memories of good friends who for some reason no longer feature in your life. The line though clichéd is very “TRUE”. You do not forget your first love. It’s only a few lucky ones, who by God’s grace get to build their life with their first love. I am not among those. Goblin (That’s his nickname) came to my life when I was in college. There were fireworks (not the check him out man kind) right from the beginning. In fact if I had accomplished my heart’s desire to throttle him then, maybe I would have been saved these heartbreaks…. Wishful thinking..

In an empty classroom where we had our English classes, this sprightly, bubbly bunch of college guys decided to break ice by discussing the most controversial female of Indian Epic – Draupadi… A firebrand in my yester years, when I used to ride high on the flagship of my youth, I revered Draupadi for her strong convictions and courage. Man that he was, he was very eager to pinpoint the cause and effect of the famous Vastraharana Saga, and lo and behold I suddenly found my heroine the brunt of their jokes. I saw red and was quick to defend her with many a supporting evidences from history’s own pages. Mind you even then I was an avid reader… maybe something might have foretold me from my childhood, that during the years of loneliness to come which would shroud me in its folds, books would often be the only companion to make the sleepless nights tolerable. Anyways, my legacy of humour which I have inherited from my family, soon surfaced, and we all were in splits over that incident. We all became instant friends. And what a mixed group it was… Political Science and History vied for place with Physics, Chemistry and romancing with English was our link.

From then on we were an inseparable group... 10 of us.. SG, SC, NC, SSM, RG, AA, SD, SS, RG and myself. Those get-togethers were paradise, but little was I to know then that there was a serpent in that paradise… But then as Dr Brian Weiss says, ” we are so surrounded with noise all around us, we pay little heed to our basic instincts, the voice from our soul, which often makes us aware of evil spirits.”

The group used to meet often at SC's place, which was near to my college. His parents, especially his mother were darlings. We landed up during odd hours with our multitude of demands for food and Kakima (Auntie) would willingly feed those hungry stomachs. And how hungry we used to be…. And how often.. It seemed each of our stomachs was this huge well which had some amazing absorbents and the food used to disappear in seconds… I have been blessed, or would I say over zealously gifted with this genetic quality of blotting even on air… and SG, SC, SSM – the 3 musketeers as they were called would hog like pigs.. (Lovingly addressed by our group) and not put on an ounce of fat. B’days were celebrated in style often in our homes, or in some local Restaurants ( Shiraz, Amenia) and even Telbhaja stall at Surya Sen Street junction. I still remember my cry of distress one afternoon at my house when even after 12 luchis (Puris), the group of 6monsters ( I no longer liked them that day) demanded for more. My darling mother scolded me … “tui athithider orokom kore bolishna kabar niye “(Do not shout at guests due to their appetite), but frying hundred puris , not to mention preparing them was no mean feat… I obviously was in the kitchen helping my mother. But looking back, that was one of the funniest b’day I have had till date. I felt loved, wanted by my friends. We then had a jalsa (a gathering where people sang recited and generally demonstrated their artistic inclinations). My friends liked my mother a lot and she too joined with her very talented voice. Such gatherings happened many a times after that, both at my place, at SC and NC's place. These two lovebirds had no inkling then that they would become partners for life… The few lucky ones I mentioned earlier.

Well to come back to my love for SG, it had starting growing its roots in my tender heart. Mind you I was a very normal teenager where my love quotient goes. I have had my series of crushes and infatuations. My close friends used to call it the ever fluctuating curve and I was an open book. But this was the real thing, kept very close to my heart and not shared with anybody or that’s what I thought. Fate has a habit of making a yoyo out of your life.. Some might say… fate is what you make out of your life. But I have always been a strong believer of destiny, and I had somehow foolishly believed Goblin was my destiny.

This was of course not to be. … My truth was glaringly brought to his notice as a result of a series of incidents. Even then I had told him, let it be.. So what if you do not feel the same about me, I am quite OK with you loving me only as a friend. You see I was naïve; I had not accounted for those devilish streaks which makes a seemingly good friend pour his venom into an otherwise good relationship. Misunderstandings piled high between us, and one fine morning when he refused to converse with me further, I cried my heart out.. Why me always God. ? . I questioned. I tried my best but the silence would not break and somehow as I always do I struggled with my pain alone, well almost .. SM and DD were there as always, but it is not possible for anyone to truly share your pain.

The days turned into 1 and a half year and we met again at SSM's wedding. I suppose even though I am matured in a lot many ways, when it comes to love I am quite naïve. Why else would I have believed that meeting him would not tear my wounds open? It did. When I looked into his eyes across a sea of people I again felt that pull. Maybe he is the soul mate across time which Dr. Brian Weiss refers in his book “Love is the only thing”, but had I failed to recognize it then. I had always wanted to behave as a matured adult in front of him, but the childlike tendency in me craving for attention again made me put my foot in my mouth on several occasions. We again fought over a piece of fish; I can afford to laugh over it now. I again saw that flash of dislike in his eyes, and I still could not summon up the courage to go up to him and make amends. Funny isn’t it ?? Me afraid, and I was called the Jhansi Ki Rani in college. A strange twist of fate which could have been a plot for a novel.

A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since then. Nobody after that really measured upto him. It seems I am eternally destined to wait for him. 2 years back I came to know he has a family of his own now. I wish him well.

I know I should get on with my life and let go, but then “You fill up senses” is my favourite song and even in a crowd I feel his presence whenever I listen to that song. I am lovingly told by my friend I am crazy..

But I am proud of the fact that I have loved n lost, than to not have loved at all.